Place Your Bets: What Will Be in Biden’s Pre-Debate Chemical Cocktail?
by Stephen Green
Paul Bedard is one of those soberly serious conservative columnists who isn’t prone to sensationalism, so when you see him write a piece headlined, “Questions raised about medically juicing Biden for debate,” it does make me sit up and take notice.
“Some are speculating that [Presidentish Joe] Biden,” he wrote for the Washington Examiner on Tuesday, “may be medically revitalized during his visit to the Maryland presidential resort.”
Others aren’t merely speculating. We’re convinced that the human body doesn’t contain enough blood to produce a draw big enough to test for all the drugs he might be pumped full of before the June 27 presidential debate in Atlanta.
A very few youthful indiscretions aside, I’m no expert in drug use. But I’ve certainly seen enough in my 55 years — several of them spent among the hippies in northern California — to have a few handy rules to help you tell who is on what.
- Inappropriate laughter (See: Kamala Harris) and/or Cheetos? Marijuana.
- Invites select people to the bathroom every eight-to-15 minutes? Cocaine.
- Homeless/No teeth? Meth.
- Can’t stop dancing and/or sharing positive vibes? Ecstasy.
- Ate own face? Bath salts.
- Seeing things no one else can/Convinced everything is “bendy?” LSD or shrooms.
- Missing and/or dead? Heroin.
- Died in the ’90s? Crack cocaine.
- Freshly dead? Fentanyl.